The Annoyance

How do you simultaneously pay insufficient attention to a person yet manage to be an utter annoyance?

I have a problem with annoying those that are close to me. I call at odd times (early in the morning/late at night), want to talk when it is inconvenient (such as when sitting down to dinner), offer unsolicited advice, freak out when I am unable to reach a person for any extended period of time (over 36 hours or so), and am generally an annoyance to anyone who is unlucky enough to have given me their phone number.

I overcompensate. After over-extending a friend’s patience and good will, I then make every effort not to call. I understand what I am doing when “overstaying my welcome on the phone,” but I have a hard time deciding what are and are not appropriate times and frequencies for calls.

I want to just drop my phone contract altogether but realize the necessity of it. Unfortunately, it leaves me in a situation where I cannot win. After weeks of not calling, a call at some ridiculous time is certainly not welcome. As you grow apart from a person, their tolerance for such things drops dramatically. Additionally, as you overstay your welcome/time requested on the phone, tolerance dramatically decreases.

The answer, of course, is to call with a frequency great enough to remind a person that he/she is important to you but to not annoy. I am incapable of this. In fact, I manage to squeeze both in. I’ll wait too long between calls, and then call multiple times in rapid succession (as if though whatever it is that is going on my life somehow is so important that I need to attempt to call 8 times in one day, using all 3 contact numbers that I have for you each of the 8 times) or at some ridiculous hour of the day.

Because I seem to lack the discretion to make this call on my own, I suppose that I am doomed to continue my path for the foreseeable future. Woohoo!

Grrr, Allen

Manilow & Me

I just watched the most recent Family Guy episode, Back to the Woods. There is a skit contained within the episode where the guys are drinking in the Drunken Clam and hear on the television that Manilow will be appearing locally. Although all of them initially scoffed and swore Manilow fans as pansies (more-or-less), as the scene went on it is revealed that all four of them (Joe, Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland) are die-hard Manilow fans.

This got me to thinking... Most of these little comments on the show are reasonably accurate criticisms of American society. So, perhaps there are tons of Manilow fans out there that won't admit it. Hmm...

The clip of "Mandy" on the show (which had Mandy's name replaced with Quagmire) sounded alright, so I decided that maybe there was something to it. Then I decided to download "Mandy" and listen to the song all the time and delete the play count on iTunes so that anyone checking out my computer couldn't tell that I secretely have a "Mandy" obsession.

After downloading the song, though, I realized that the song isn't really all that great. The chorus is fire, but the rest of the song is pretty blah. So much for my idea, then. Perhaps, then, I could play the song on repeat everytime I leave the room/house and get the play count up to accomplish the opposite. I could make everyone think that I loved the song so much that I had more plays of that one song than I even have songs on this PC (Over 5100).

I decided to check the song out on YouTube instead to see if the live version was any better, and the real fun began (for me that is).

There are pages and pages of comments on the video by people that went there after watching the Family Guy episode. Pretty much everyone else on there was also amazed at just how many hits the video got by Family Guy viewers.

I was rather disappointed that Manilow didn't replace the name Mandy with that of someone in the audience. (Especially if he had replaced it with something like... oh... say... Quagmire). The video and my iTunes search did shine some light into the commonly held opinion that adoration of Manilow automatically makes you a douche. His jokes were beyond bad, he talked too much, the music bore to striking a resemblance to elevator music, the song is excessively sappy/corny, and the song isn't really all that great anyway.

By the way, if your face is featured in a video on YouTube at a Manilow concert (especially if you are singing along while swaying back-and-forth), you have lost all right to consider in touch with what is and is not cool. If only they'd had lighters in the air... *sigh*

So here it is... Likely the only time that I will ever link to a Barry Manilow video, ever. Enjoy

Survey

The Basics

1. First name
Jason

2. Age
27

3. Gender
Male

4. Happy with it?
Sure

5. The current time is?
0404 Saturday

6. Eye color
A nasty brown with yellowish-green and orange streaks

7. Happy with it?
Nope

8. If not, what would you change it to?
I'd prefer light eyes, but I'd be happy with dark brown eyes without the green and orange streaks

9. Hair color
Dark brown

10. Happy with it?
Love it

11. If not, what would you change it to?
n/a

12. Hair length
I need a haircut

13. Hair style
Hat-head

14. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Auburn from some leftover dye my exwife had after she dyed her hair. The change wasn't very noticable because my hair is so dark. Only one person noticed it that I can remeber.

15. What color?
Auburn

16. Do you dye your hair frequently?
Nope, just once.

17. Has it ever gotten damaged?
Not from dye, I cinged it pretty bad once from a gas grill that wouldn't light.

18. Are you clean-shaven?
No. I trim my face with a mustache trimmer without a guard on. That's as close as I go.

19. What's your body type?
Slender

20. Are your fingers long and slender, short and fat, or somewhere in between?
In between. They're kinda slender for a guy.

21. Thin or full lips?
Mine? Full.

22. Thin hair, thick hair, or somewhere in between?
Thin

23. Have you ever had lice?
Yep

24. How old were you?
I guess 10

25. Nicknames
Butthole, sot, incompetent

26. Happy with them?
I guess

27. Aliases
Can't tell you that

28. What made you choose them?
n/a

29. If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Jasonette

30. Think of the situation above. What would you want your name to be?
Amanda Beth

31. If you had a choice, would you drop your last name?
No, but I'd drop my first name.

32. What heritage does your first name imply?
I don't know. It's in the Bible, though.

33. Middle name
Scott

34. Last name
Allen

35. Place of birth
Hospital

36. Date of birth
Friday, 1980

37. Nationality
US

38. Were you named after anyone?
My middle name was plagiarized

39. Who?
Someone older than me, obviously

40. What side of the family does your name come from?
Southeast

41. Did your parents immigrate?
Yeah, my dad left Ohio for Florida.

42. How about your grandparents?
Yeah, my Grandparents left Arkansas and Texas for Florida

43. Your great grandparents?
Don't think so

44. Farther back into your family?
At some point, we left the cesspool and migrated to Europe. From there, we went to the US

45. Where did they emmigrate from?
A cesspool

46. Where did they immigrate to?
A tree, before they lost their tails

47. Skin color
Pale

48. What's your facial structure like?
Dumb question

49. Height
1,803,400,000,000 picometers

50. Happy with it?
I wish I was 2.54 x 10^10 picometers taller

51. Weight
145ish

52. Happy with it?
Nope

53. How old are your parents?
Old enough

54. What's your father's name?
Dad

55. Your mother's?
Mom

56. Do you have any siblings?
Yes

57. How old are they?
What if I had said, "no"

58. What are their names?
Big pimpin, Lil pimpin, and sis

59. Do you get along with your family?
Usually

60. Do you wish they were different?
Sheesh, no

61. Were you ever abused by any member of your family?
Yeah, my sister and sister-in-law beat me when I'm annoying them, unless I bribe them with chocolate

62. Were you ever betrayed by a member of your family?
Sometimes

63. Did your family ever disown any other member of your family?
Yeah, me when they found out I'm gay

64. If so, why?
Cuz they don't like "faggots" as they put it

65. Who do you get along with most?
Maleficent

Favorites

66. Color
Black and red

67. Month
January

68. Year
Hmm...

69. Decade
Hmm...

70. Century
The current one's pretty cool

71. Millenium
See last reply

72. Animal
Dogs

73. Movie
Shawshank

74. Book
The Wonderful Lifted Lorax and a Farm Full of Animals, Run by Animals

75. River
Olentangy

76. Lake
Okechobee

77. Ocean
Pacific

78. Country
US

79. City
Good question. There are lots of them. I like (in no particular order) Orlando, Paris, Columbus, Savannah, Philly, NYC, and Valdosta pretty well.

80. State
Ohio, sometimes

81. Province
?

82. Place to go in your neighborhood
To sleep

83. Person
Elfin Lizard Dawn Scott Rupert Rufus Allen III

84. Relative
See last reply

85. Pet
Maleficent

86. Actor
Hmm... maybe Paul Newman, although I haven't seen many of his movies. I just like him, though.

87. Actress
Tina Feye. Pretty, smart, and funny. What else can you ask for?

88. Celebrity
Hmm...

89. Musician
Beethoven, Bach, and Tchaikovsky

90. Singer
Marvin and Aretha

91. Band
JoC, Oukast, and the Eagles

92. Movie genre
Ones that make you think

93. Book genre
Classics

94. Play genre
Hmm... Mystery, I guess.

95. Play
The one where my brother sang

96. Musical
Singin' in the Rain. Oklahoma's pretty good as well.

97. Poem
The Raven

98. Writer
Hmm... I can't think of any that I just loved everything they've ever written.

99. Song
Shism

100. Sport
College football

101. Drink
Tanqueray

102. Food
Wendy's double with extra cheese, no mayo or catsup

103. Brand of cereal
Hmm... I don't ever eat cereal because I hate milk. Raisin Bran has to be the best, though.

104. Candy bar
Watchamacallit

105. Disney princess
Aurora has the looks, but Belle has the brains. Belle because of the brains.

106. Disney prince
Aladdin

107. Disney villain
Maleficent

108. Disney character
Grumpy

109. CD
Hell Freezes Over, Aquemeni, and JoC

110. Director
? No clue

111. Videogame
Metroid Prime

112. Computer game
Empire Earth

113. Game
Risk

114. Board game
Risk

115. Word game
Scattergories

116. Clothing style
3 years behind the trends and comfortable

117. Truth or dare question
Truth, but I prefer to not have to do either

118. Fairy tale
The boy who cried wolf

119. Lullaby
Schism

120. Holiday
Labor Day. We all celebrate our jobs by working the same as any other day unless you're employed by the USPS.

121. Mythological creature
Invisible Pink Unicorns

122. Miscellaneous item
Down pillows

123. Storybook character
Sydney Carton

124. Movie character
Either Andy Dufresne or Melvin Udalle

125. Play character
Kurt

126. Musical character
Don Lockwood

127. College
tOSU

128. Football team
Buckeyes

129. Soccer team
U.S., I guess

130. Tennis player
I don't know, but she's cute

131. Hockey team
Blue Jackets

132. Basketball team
Magic

133. Baseball team
Reds

134. Swimmer
That girl that was having a seizure in the Olympics about 20 years ago.

135. Track star
Brandon Saine

136. Vegetable
Potato, hands down. Onions are pretty good, though

137. Fruit
Oranges and Grapefruits

138. Toothpaste brand
Not Aim

139. Type of computer
Hmm... PC

140. Medication
Nyquil

141. Poison
Alcohol

142. Type of sword
Scythe

143. Type of gun
M-16

144. Planet
Venus and Earth

145. Space feature
Stars and Black Holes

146. Breed of cat
Dead

147. Dog
Smart and hairless

148. Spider
Squished

149. Fish
Yellowfin

150. Penguin
That one that looks like he has a mohawk

151. Species of crustacean
Hermit crabs

152. Arachnid
Hmm...

153. Insect
Northern ants (stay away from those fire ants all over the south)

154. Pair of socks
Fresh out the package. Either no-show or crew. I hate ankle and tube.

155. Scooby-Doo character
Shaggy and that fat girl

156. Spongebob Squarepants character
Squidworth

157. Quote
If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favorable mention of the devil in the House of Commons

158. Adage
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right (or in my case, overdoing)

159. President
Jefferson, hands down

160. Astrological sign
I hate zodiac crap

161. Chinese zodiac sign
Monkey and rat

162. Number
3 maybe

163. Short story
The Tell-Tale Heart

164. Word
However

165. Definition
?

166. Time period
Aunt Flo

167. Dictionary brand
Merriam-Webster for daily use and Oxford when you just really need three pages of etymology for each word.

168. Series of books
Hmm...

169. Publishing company
Hmm...

170. Illustrator
Geisel

171. Artist
Dali

172. Childhood story
Hmm... The Little Old Lady and the Pig

173. Childhood memory
Hmm...

174. Facial expression
Either blank or furious

175. Serial killer
Ted Bundy, but I didn't like the necrophilia part

176. Medieval torture device
Hmm...

177. Instrument
Oboe

178. Brand of chocolate
Hershey

179. Candy
Jolly Rancher

180. Brand of candy
Jolly Rancher

181. Time of day
Dusk

182. Codename Amour and Adori use
?

183. Letter
Hmm... maybe Omega

184. Inside joke
Hunger is the best pickle

185. Joke
Hmm... maybe, "you can't wear size 34 underwear!"

186. Scent
Woman

187. Onomotapoeia
hmm... maybe crackle

188. Alliteration
Ben and Bim lead Bands with Brooms. Ben's band bangs, and Bim's band booms.

Dislikes

189. Least favorite color
Maize and Blue

190. Animal
Rats, mosquitos, chiggers, and cockroaches

191. Number
1

192. President
Jackson

193. Actor
Sean Penn

194. Actress
That chick that plays on the Closer with the gigantic mouth

195. Director
hmm...

196. Celebrity
probably Sean Penn

197. Artist
Donatello

198. Illustrator
hmm...

199. Poet
hmm... The one that has been "eating poetry"

200. Writer
Twain

201. Band
ICP

202. Musician
hmm...

203. Singer
Janis Joplin

204. Food
Mayo and soured cream

205. Fruit
Red apples

206. Vegetable
Brussel sprouts

207. Candy
Butterscotch

208. Candy bar
Heath bars, I guess

209. Brand of chocolate
How many are there? I guess the one that makes Kindereir

210. Skittles flavor
Those tropical ones

211. Month
August

212. Year
A lot of them

213. Decade
I can think of 2.7 of them

214. Century
hmm...

215. Millenium
hmm...

216. Era
Paleozoic? Seems like a stupid question

217. Time period
From the time I wake to the time I fall asleep

218. Battle of the Civil War
Hmm...

219. War
The crusades

220. Battle of WWII
Stalingrad

221. Battle of American Revolution
Hmm...

222. Genius
Any brush that I have with it. It makes me that much more disappointed with myself when I fail to then reach that mark.

223. Genus of plant
The one that includes green kyllinga (spelling)

224. Flower
Dandelions

225. Tree
The ones with those pods that look like giant brown snow peas. They reak

226. Hair color
Dirty Blonde

227. Eye color
Mine and my exwive's (Anyone with a mixture including brown (the people that claim their eye color changes with their outfit))

228. Fairy tale
hmm...

229. Disney princess
Probably Snow White because there isn't very much character devolopment with her.

230. Disney villain
Probably Frollo. He reaches a level of sadism and moral perversion unrivalled by other villians

231. Disney prince
Probably the Beast. I liked him until he had a change of heart. They should have kept him an asshole.

232. Movie character
The Ellen Jamesians

233. Play character
hmm...

234. Book character
I'd have to think about it

235. Musical character
Probably Curly

236. Play
hmm...

237. Musical
Fiddler on the Roof? There are worse ones out there, but I can't think of one off the top of my head.

238. Person
hmm... anyone that won't stand up for someone that would do the same for them.

239. Brand of cereal
grits

240. Brand of battery
Cheapos

241. Mental illness
Schizophrenia

242. Medication
Caffiene

243. Serial killer
Dahmer

244. Poison
hmm...

245. Type of sword
Those fencing things; I think theyre called foils.

246. Type of gun
The ones with crazy recoil

247. Toothpaste brand
Aim

248. Scent
Rotten fish and chicken come to mind, but there are worse ones than that. I just can't think of them right now

249. Taste
That sweet/salty/alkaline taste you get when Earl's phone is ringing but you haven't gotten through to him yet.

250. Sound
That chick on the Closer's fake southern accent. I want to destroy her and the television set when I hear it.

251. Sexual position
Me on top.

252. Article of clothing
Hat ear flaps

The Ideal Mate

253. Hair color
Dark brown or black

254. Hair length
Shoulder

255. Hair style
Straight or a pony tail

256. Eye color
Dark brown or blue

257. Skin color
pastey

258. Any makeup?
Just enough to cover blemishes

259. Clothing style
Conservative

260. Shy or outgoing?
Shy

261. Happy or depressed?
In the middle

262. Funny or serious?
Funny

263. Abusive or kind?
Kind

264. Respectful or perverted?
Both

265. Completely describe their personality
She is smarter than me, honest to a fault, sees my good intentions, and makes me be a better person.

266. Ideal height
Tall, but not taller than me.

267. Ideal weight
Average.

268. Body type
Nothing weird

269. Completely describe their appearances
Huge butt, B cup, not hairy, beautiful face.

270. This is another space if you need it
Huh?

271. Cup size or condom size
B

272. Masochistic or sadistic?
hmm...

273. Conformist or nonconformist?
In the middle

274. Artistic or athletic?
Artisticish

275. Intellectual or unintelligent?
Intellectual

276. Complex or simple?
Depends on what about

277. What would their hobbies be?
Reading

278. Interests?
Learning

279. Obsessions
Me

280. Would they hug you often?
All the time

281. Kiss you often?
Pecks all the time. Slobbery ones, as appropriate.

282. Would they frequently tell you that they loved you?
All the time. I need frequent reminders, like once an hour or I start freaking out.

283. Have you already found your ideal mate?
She doesn't exist

284. Or as close as someone can get?
I'm not sure how you get close to "only in my imagination"

285. Would you have sex often, never, or sometimes?
Once or twice a day.

286. Are you in love?
Nope

287. What will you do together?
Never let each other down

288. Your ideal date
Bowling and dinner

289. Your ideal wedding
At a court

290. How many kids?
0 - 1

291. What will their names be?
hmm...

292. What do you think they would look like?
Poor kid would probably get a combination of my and her worst traits

293. Will you even have kids?
Probably, because she would insist

294. If not, why?
Because I think that I'm pretty incompetant at parenting.

295. Will you even get married?
Doubt it, but I would if I found her.

296. If no, why?
Don't think she exists

297. Are you taken or single?
Neither. I'm not looking

What Do You Think Of?

298. Ugly people?
Not their fault

299. Pretty people?
I do things I wouldn't otherwise do around pretty girls.

300. Bald people?
I despise balding. Everyone should get to keep their hair.

301. Scrawny African children?
I don't think about them much.

302. Religion?
I see why they were created. (Getting your tribal leader to get you to not murder, rape, commit incest, lie, etc. is a lot easier if you tell them that God doesn't want you to.) In current days, it acts as a crutch and a way to keep optimism with the failed belief that someone else is going to stand up for you when things are going crappy.

303. Politics?
Well, I hate beaurocracy

304. Abortion?
= murder

305. Church?
Not for me, but I don't have a problem with most of them.

306. Separation of church and state?
Good

307. Blondes?
I don't understand the facination

308. Brunettes?
Beautiful

309. Redheads?
Too pastey-skinned

310. Mainstream rock?
Whatever

311. Abercrombie?
Expensive and it smells funny

312. Pop music?
Don't like most of it

313. Classic rock?
Wonderful

314. Roleplaying?
Don't like it

315. Emo music?
Don't know what it is

316. Ignorance?
As long as you make every effort to correct it.

317. Stupidity?
Annoying, but not their fault, unless it's a matter of complacency.

318. Mental retardation?
Not their fault

319. Friends?
True ones don't exist. Everyone will someday let you down. Just give them time. That doesn't mean that people don't care about you, but friendship is a temporary condition.

320. Disrespect?
I don't like it

321. Immaturity?
Can't stand it

322. Republicans?
Right more often than Liberals, unwilling to objectively assess Liberal views, and only slightly less hateful than Liberals.

323. Democrats?
Right less often than Republicans, unwilling to objectively assess Republican views, and slightly more hateful than Republicans.

324. George W. Bush?
At least he's honest and down to earth. Unfortunately I think that when he says something that he is going to do it, even after he realizes that it was the wrong decision in the first place.

325. Your mom?
She's pretty cool. One of the most thoughtful people in the world.

326. This survey?
Wish I hadn't started it now.

327. Painted walls?
As opposed to rough dry wall??? I prefer the painted look.

328. Drugs?
I like 'em.

329. Alcohol?
I'd like it if I could keep away from other people. It's perfect when I'm alone, though.

330. Prostitution?
I despise it, but I think it should be legal.

331. Premarital sex?
As long as you love your partner.

332. Teenage sex?
It's gonna happen. No use trying to fight it. It's better to just explain its significance and try to steer them down an acceptable path so that they don't go crazy.

333. People?
Wish I could avoid them.

334. Your classmates?
n/a

335. Your co-workers?
I dislike most of them.

336. Your school?
n/a

337. Your family?
Most have good intentions

338. My family?
huh?

339. Your mental health?
Pathetic. I wish I could stop depending on others for companionship. I want to be able to just shut my phone off and have no desire to turn it back on. If I say zero words to anyone on a given day other than what is absolutely necessary, I want that to be a normal day for me.

340. My mental health?
huh?

341. Falling asleep holding a stuffed animal?
I like it, though I don't do it. It was nice when I was little. I'd still do it if I had any reason to think the little guy would be any more helpful than he was when I was little.

342. Your life?
My name is mud.

343. My life?
huh?

344. The color green?
Okay, sometimes.

345. Pickles?
Essential on a burger.

346. Food?
I like cooking it and eating it.

347. Electricity?
We're way better with it. Don't think so? Go to Guam, and wait for the power to go out.

348. Niagra falls?
I want to check it out.

349. Cataracts?
An enigma to me, although they shouldn't be. Maybe they only were when I was little.

350. Bridges?
They make me nervous, very nervous.

351. Braces?
If you need 'em, suck it up and wear them. You'll be better off in the long run.

352. Dictionairies?
I love them. Everytime I go to open one to read it for fun, though, I have no idea where to start. I want to read it to learn new words, but how am I supposed to find new words when I don't know what the new words are?

353. Television?
I hate it.

354. Fairy tales?
Usually pretty cool

355. Hollywood?
Stupidity breeding ground

356. MTV?
Lame

Currently

357. What are you feeling?
My back hurts.

358. Smelling?
Ski and cats

359. Seeing?
A computer monitor.

360. Hearing?
A computer monitor fan and Weezer.

361. Doing?
Staying up way too late with this survey.

362. Who are you talking to online?
No one.

363. On the phone?
No one.

364. What room of the house are you in?
Bedroom

365. Bored?
Yep, and tired.

366. Do you look nice?
Never.

367. What are you wearing?
Jeans, no shirt.

368. Are you eating anything?
Nope.

369. Drinking anything?
Ski.

370. What's your heart rate?
70, which is low for me.

371. BMI?
No clue.

372. What brand of shoes are you wearing?
I'm not. The boots I wear to work are Wolverines.

373. What are you wishing for?
Me to complete my mission on earth and finish this survey.

374. What are you worried about?
That I'm going to get fed up with the crap at work and that I'm going to disappoint Elizabeth the way I have everyone else in my life.

375. Sad about?
The prospect of screwing up with Elizabeth.

376. Happy about?
Nothing.

377. Angry about?
Stupidity of others at work. Stupidity of me everywhere.

378. Serious about?
Wanting to go to bed.

379. Laughing about?
Nothing.

380. Talking about?
Nothing.

381. Typing about?
This survey and a blog entry about a rift between Elizabeth and me.

Friends

382. Who are your friends?
Not really any right now.

383. Your best friends?
Can't have one without first having friends.

384. Who do you hang out with most?
Unfortunately, the people I work with... while at work.

385. Who do you treat the best?
I'm pretty incompetent at treating anyone particularly well.

386. Who treats you the best?
Hmm... KR and my mom, I guess. My dad and Elizabeth try awfully hard, but for some reason I'm not including them on the list.

387. Do you even have friends?
Not really.

388. If so, why are you taking this survey?
n/a

389. Who's the funny one?
Ryan and sometimes KR and Elizabeth.

390. The smart one?
My dad and usually KR.

391. The depressed one?
Probably me. I'm not sure about KR, Ryan, and Elizabeth. I think their moods alter drastically from day-to-day, week-to-week. I'm not really sure about KR, though. He doesn't tell me about such things.

392. The punk?
Me, I guess.

393. The goth?
KR.

394. The prep?
Ryan and I.

395. The jock?
I guess Ryan.

396. The outcast?
I guess KR. Me as well, on many levels. I think that KR functions more normally around other people than I do, though.

397. The stupid one?
n/a Ryan probably has the lowest ability to learn trigonometry and spell, but he's no dummy. He can figure out anything if he wants to.

398. The one who you think will kill someone one day?
Hopefully, me.

399. The annoying one?
Me.

400. The hyper one?
Ryan

401. The oblivious one?
Me.

402. The romantic?
I think Ryan, KR, and I all are. I hope that they aren't as unsuccessful as I am at it, though.

403. The pervert?
Me?

404. The content one?
Right now, my mom, probably.

405. The liar?
hmm...

406. The cheapskate?
Tanya

407. The ominous one?
Me, I hope.

408. The disrespectful one?
Ryan.

409. The abusive one?
Me.

410. The hot one?
hmm...

411. The ugly one?
hmm...

412. The one that hates you?
I think disdain is a better word, and all of them, probably.

413. The one that hates you, but hangs out with you anyway?
Probably Tanya, MG, Chris, and my dad.

414. The back-up one?
If this is asking what I think it is, my mom and KR.

415. The fighter?
Ryan

416. The lover?
hmm...

417. The hippie?
KR

418. The druggie?
Probably me.

419. The alcoholic?
Me

420. The one that's recovering?
Me

421. The one that's in jail?
hmm...

422. The one that is most likely to be in jail?
Me

423. The one that's going to be executed?
Me

424. The most likely to be murdered?
hmm... Probably Ryan for his temper

425. The most likely to be committed to a mental hospital?
Me

426. The most likely to stay there forever?
Me

427. The normal one?
Ryan

428. The conformist?
Ryan

429. The nonconformist?
Tanya and KR

430. The masochistic one?
Me

431. The sadistic one?
KR

432. The weird one?
KR, mom, and Tanya... in a good way. Me in a bad way.

433. The musical one?
Dad.

434. The artistic one?
KR, MG, and Sara

435. The perfect one?
MG, sometimes.

436. The literary genius?
I guess KR. Sometimes me. MG when she wants to be.

437. The fugitive?
KR

438. The juvenille delinquint?
KR

439. The Jewish one?
hmm...

440. The Christian one?
Mom

441. The Buddhist one?
hmm...

442. The Muslim one?
hmm...

443. The Hindu one?
hmm...

444. The Catholic one?
hmm...

445. The Wiccan one?
hmm...

446. The atheist?
KR

447. The agnostic?
Me

448. The cutter?
?

449. The anorexic one?
n/a

450. The bulimic one?
n/a

451. The skinny one?
Me and KR

452. The thin one?
Me and KR

453. The fat one?
In the interest of tact...

454. The obese one?
n/a

455. The Satanic one?
hopefully, n/a

Have You Ever

456. Gone on a cruise?
Nope

457. Beaten someone up?
Yep

458. Been beaten up?
Yep

459. Bullied someone?
Yep

460. Been bullied?
Yep

461. Attempted suicide?
Not seriously

462. Attempted murder?
Nope

463. Nearly died?
No, that was probably just me freaking out + wishful thinking

464. Broken the law?
Yep

465. Stolen something?
Yep

466. Had an abortion?
Nope

467. Known the president?
Nope

468. Had an affair with the president?
Nope

469. Met a famous person?
Nope

470. Gotten drunk?
Yep

471. Gotten high?
Yep

472. Had masochistic sex?
Nope

473. Had an affair?
Nope

474. Been out of the country?
Yep

475. Out of state?
Yep

476. Out of your town?
Yep

477. Written a poem?
Not without a teacher forcing me.

478. A story?
No, but want to.

479. A novel?
No, but want to.

480. A song?
Tried when I was little.

481. Gotten published?
Nope.

482. Written a love poem?
Nope

483. Story?
Nope

484. Novel?
Nope

485. Song?
Nope

486. Said that you hated the world?
Not those words, but something similar

487. Finished school?
Yep

488. Flunked a grade?
Nope

489. Flunked a test?
Probably.

490. Flunked a subject?
Yep

491. Read a book for enjoyment?
Love to

492. Bungee jumped?
Never

493. Skydived?
Never

494. Danced?
Not without a girl forcing me. I force my daughter to though. It's not really dancing, though. It's more like wrestling than dancing.

495. Been to a dance?
Yep

496. Suba dived?
Nope. Would want to if I weren't scared to death.

497. Broken a bone?
Nope

498. Gotten a nose bleed?
Many, especially on the flightline in Jersey

499. Had an orgasm?
I'm a dude, so obviously.

500. Suffered from psychosis?
Not that I remember.

501. Wished you could get away with something?
You betcha.

502. Thought of killing someone?
Yep

503. Thought of killing yourself?
Yep

504. Saved someone's life?
Doubtful

505. Saved your own?
hmm...

506. Gone to the beach?
Yep. Overrated

507. Gone fishing?
Yep. Overrated, unless you're with your grandfather.

508. Gone to an island?
Used to live on one

509. Died in a dream?
Yep

510. Had a dream that came true?
Many

511. Kissed someone in the rain?
Not that I can remember

512. Gotten pregnant?
I sure hope not

513. Eaten calamari?
Yep

514. Lobster?
Yep

515. Helped anybody during the holidays?
Nope

516. Helped a stranger?
Don't think so

517. Kissed a stranger?
Nope

518. Hugged a stranger?
Nope

519. Had sex with a stranger?
Not so much

520. Found a lost wallet?
Nope

521. Felt bad about not returning it?
n/a

522. Been in a car accident?
Yep

523. Caused a car accident?
Yep

524. Driven over 100 mph?
Yep

525. Been caught driving over 100 mph?
Nope

526. Bitten someone?
hmm... Not that I remember

527. Been bitten by someone?
I think so.

Can You

528. Kiss your elbow?
No. I don't think that's possible. I think that question was just on there to see if the surveyee would try it.

529. Touch your nose with your tongue?
Not yet

530. Stick your fist in your mouth?
Doubt it. I'm not trying that one

531. Touch your toes?
With or without my knees bent?

532. Give away money?
It's hard, very hard.

533. Marry a family member?
No. That's illegal. I think it is, anyway.

534. Hire an assassin?
I would like to, except that s/he wouldn't be as thorough as I would be, so I'd probably never do it for fear of it coming back on me due to shotty work.

535. Get ahold of drugs?
No

536. Alcohol?
Yep

537. Stay up all night?
I do most every night

538. Stay up for 3 nights?
I doubt it, unless I had an amazing reason.

539. Finish this survey?
Probably not all at once.

540. Swim?
Not well

541. Draw well?
Heck no

542. Sing well?
So I've been told

543. Write well?
Penmanship or am I a strong writer? The respective answers are reasonably well and yepper

544. Eat a box of chocolates in an hour?
Doubt it

545. Eat an entire package of Oreos in a half an hour?
Nope

546. Without milk?
Ewww, milk. yech

547. Predict the future?
Obviously not

Would You Ever

548. Sacrifice everything for a friend?
Yep

549. A lover?
Yep

550. Give your life for a friend?
Yep

551. A lover?
Yep

552. Give your life to save a stranger's?
Maybe, but I doubt it.

553. Post yourself having sex up on the Internet?
Nope

554. Sell yourself?
You mean for sex? If so, no.

555. Have cyber sex?
No

556. Real sex?
Probably never again

557. With who?
huh? A chick, hopefully

558. Lie to a friend?
I hope not

559. Lie to your parents?
I hope not

560. Lie to a lover?
I hope not

561. Steal from your parents?
No

562. Hug them in public?
Yeah

563. Blow up your house?
WTF? No

564. Abuse someone?
I wanna push you around. Well I will. But anyway, I sure hope not.

565. Use someone?
Probably

566. Recommend this survey to a friend?
Probably

Would You Ever Be

567. A fireman?
Nope

568. Policeman?
Nope

569. Serial killer?
Doubtful. I used to want to be one when I was a kid, though.

570. Doctor?
Heck no.

571. Surgeon?
Heck no.

572. Prostitute?
Nope

573. Playboy model?
Nope

574. Writer?
I wish

575. Artist?
You have to have talent for that.

576. Musician?
You have to have talent for that.

577. Assassin?
That sounds nice. I'd probably get caught by the person that hired me, though.

578. Ninja?
Nope

579. Soldier?
Nope

580. President?
Nope

581. Darth Vader?
Absolutely, and like Vader, seeing family in agony is only thing that could pull be back. I think that the sadism would be intoxicating and addictive.

582. Pilot?
Yep

583. Mortician?
Heck no

584. Forensic scientist?
Doubtful

585. Detective?
Nope

586. Lawyer?
A bad one

587. Drug-dealer?
Nope

588. Pirate?
Nope, but I love to say, "Arrgh!"

589. Box-carrier?
Doubtful

590. Store clerk?
That's actually what I want to be when I grow up

591. Banker?
Does an accountant count as a banker on any level?

592. Criminal?
Doubtful

593. Target?
Doubtful

594. Professional wrestler?
Nope

595. Tennis player?
I'd need good knees for that

596. Rapper?
Nope

597. Country singer?
Nope

598. Pop star?
Nope

599. Actor?
Nope

600. Plastic surgeon?
Nope

Why?

601. Is the sky blue?
Because the sun is out. It'd be black with little white dots if it were night.

602. Is the world round?
Because it would look really funny if it were a cube or a rectangular prism.

603. Is the world unfair?
Because we can't all be born with equal skills, intelligence, and looks. As long as people are selfish (which all people inherently are. I'll explain my theory on that some other time.), they will try to make their own situation better than that of others.

604. Are most people selfish?
Because pleasure is good.

605. Impolite?
Depends on where you live

606. Disrespectful?
not sure

607. Conforming?
hmm...

608. Are there religions?
I answered this earlier. Before our moral code was established, the only way to get people to follow seemingly arbitrary rules was to tell them that God didn't want them to do it.
People won't give up on them because they have it ingrained that they'll go to hell if they stop believing. It also helps when every good thing in your life gets blamed on your god as well, even though god doesn't get any credit when your life's falling to shit.

609. Theories?
Because Cogito, ergo sum. As long as there's a thought process going on in the human brain, there will be theories

610. Opinions?
See Q609

611. Are humans so intelligent?
Our brains evolved from eating so much protein

612. Do we need air?
Because we don't have gills to get our O2

613. Do we age?
I've been told in Biology class, but I can't remember the scientific terms to explain it.

614. Do we die?
That's how the cycle goes.

615. Can't pigs fly?
That's a retarded Q

616. Is there cheddar cheese in the world?
Because it's delicious

617. Swiss?
Becuase there are people that love cheese's texture that have no taste buds or scent receptors.

618. American?
I guess because it melts easily on a cheeseburger. That and grilled cheese are the only acceptable uses for it

619. Are you taking this?
Because I'm stupid. Someone sent me a survey, and I decided to take one covered just about everything so that I don't ever have to take one again.

When Was The Last Time

620. You brushed your teeth?
This morning

621. Took a shower?
This morning

622. Ate?
Two doughnuts right as I got off work

623. Drank?
As I write this

624. Drank an alcoholic beverage?
Months ago at Chili's with Chris and Tanya

625. Took a pill?
Yesterday, an Aleve for my back.

626. Smoked?
A few hours ago

627. You got your photograph taken?
hmm...

628. You got caught doing something bad?
Not sure

629. Had sex?
About 9 months ago

630. Dyed your hair?
About 6-7 years ago

631. Hurt someone physically?
I spanked Elizabeth for something either this week or last

632. Hurt someone emotionally?
Probably the day I spanked Elizabeth.

633. Did your homework?
When I was in school

634. Hung out with your friends?
Who?

635. Got drunk?
Right before I left Florida

636. Got high?
no comment

637. Said: bye, text me?
never

638. Took a survey?
right now

639. Won a contest?
never

640. Went out on a date?
about 10-11 months ago

641. Had a strong sexual drive?
hmm...


Word Association

642. Bed
no sex

643. Curtains
not thick enough to completely block light

644. Lights
generate heat

645. Music
why don't I have any playing?

646. Candles
Don't provide enough light, but far better (though more dangerous) than a night light

647. Closet
Both functional and comforting. It's interesting that a burglar wouldn't think to look for you there, although that's the first place where you would look for a burglar.

648. Door
I hate them, for the same reason that I hate curtains. They are even less efficient at blocking sounds than walls. Also, they allow others to enter.

649. Window
Even worse than doors. we wouldn't even need curtains if it weren't for windows

650. Onomotapoeia
overrated outside of poetry

651. Dog
potentially pretty cool

652. Cat
they suck

653. Egypt
terrorism and pharoahs

654. Corey
one of Brian's kids

655. Mirror
evil

656. Case
a box of something

657. Cage
tigers

658. Cave
Dunbar and that lady that slipped

659. Nutella
yum

660. Bird
yum

661. Bear
greasy

662. Death
inevitable

663. Life
Typically precedes death, but the stuff before may not really count as life

664. White
the color of my skin

665. Black
the opposite of white

666. Personality
I don't have much of one

667. Pickle
makes a sandwich a sandwich

668. Dilemna
daily

669. Love
unattainable

670. Liberal
I already answered this

671. Conservative
I already answered this

672. Ball
I have one and one half (ask MG and Ryan for the rest of the story.)

673. Moderate
sounds like a bad job

674. Inept
Me at most things, especially my work and in relationships

Odd Questions

675. What color is the bottom of your tongue?
pink with blue veins

676. Your foot?
My toes are pinkish right now

677. Do you have any medical problems concerning feet?
don't think so

678. Do you secretly fantasize about George W. Bush?
Wow. That was a heck of a question. Nope

679. Do you chew on your homework?
n/a

680. Pencils?
nope

681. Do you read the dictionary?
yep

682. Encyclopedia?
yep

683. Atlas?
yep

684. Road map?
yep

685. Do you memorize random facts?
yep

686. Do you stalk anyone?
nope

687. Does anyone stalk you?
nope

688. Do you cut the grass with a pair of scissors?
WTF?

689. Do you dust your lawn?
WTF?

690. Do you collect dust?
Until you get the Pledge out

691. Why does lint accumulate in belly buttons?
Cuz you need to bathe there, nasty-ass

692. Have you ever thought of becoming a prostitute?
Not seriously

693. Do you wish prostitution was legal?
No, but I think it should be

694. Do you use lotion on your feet?
rarely

695. Do you have problems with Canadians?
no more than Americans

696. Mexicans?
no more than Americans

697. Americans?
lol, no more than Canadians and Mexicans (not usually)

698. The French?
If they're anything like the way they are portrayed on US media, then yes. They seemed cool to me when I went to Paris, though.

699. The English?
Not really. They speak and spell funnily, though.

700. Have you ever played a kazoo?
Of course

701. Have you ever shot someone?
not that I remember

702. Something?
targets and trees

703. How many pairs of underwear do you own?
20+

704. Jeans?
15ish

705. What ring size are you?
not sure

706. Belt size?
34

707. Have you ever gotten anything amputated?
My personality

708. Do you have a calendar from 2001 hanging in your room?
Nope

709. Do you eat a lot?
at least once per day

710. Do you get excited over cameras?
I try to avoid them

711. Do you have a strange obsession with pickles?
Not that I know of

712. Poison?
A little

713. Knives?
A little

714. Cheese?
If it's good cheese

715. Penguins?
negative

716. Bald people?
negative

717. Scrawny African children?
negative

718. Midgets?
I like watching them run

719. Pirates?
I love saying, "arrrghh." Other than that, no.

720. Corny jokes?
I hate them, but I love retelling them. The worse they are, the more likely I'll pass them on, perhaps to make others suffer the way I did when I heard it.

721. Are you a virgin?
almost

722. Are you a hermaphrodite?
almost

723. Do you tie string to your teeth?
WTF?

724. Do you bite yourself?
not on purpose

725. Cut yourself?
not on purpose

726. Do you get cold sores often?
don't think so

727. Do you have a cold right now?
nope

728. Do you suffer from chronic migraines?
No, but I've had about 3 - 5, and they suck. I don't think that I've had one since I lived in Jersey.
729. Do you like to touch sharp objects?
Not particularly, but as long as I'm holding the handle, I don't mind.

730. Do you have a twitching problem?
Only if I've had too much coffee.

731. Are you homicidal?
not usually

732. What do you do on the computer?
pr0n

733. Anything your parents should know about?
WTF?

734. Are you happy with your life?
Obviously not.

735. Is everybody else happy with your life?
I sure hope not. If not, they have even lower expectations of me than I would have ever thought possible.

736. Do you like 100% white grape juice?
Not really

737. Do you honestly believe that trees are, in fact, green?
WTF?

738. How big is the universe?
Pretty big. Even bigger than the largest 7-11 Big Gulp.

739. What's the logic behind your answer?
no real logic needed for my response

740. How many hours of sleep do you get every night?
Not enough. I wish I got about 16.

741. What do you dream about?
I haven't had very many lately

742. Anything your parents should know about?
WTF?

743. Do you fall for Internet advertisements?
never

744. Do you enjoy bungee jumping?
n/a Wouldn't do it.

745. Do you have AIM?
Negative

746. MSN?
Not on this PC

747. YIM?
Not on this PC

748. A Neopets account?
I used to

749. A Vampirefreaks account?
nope

750. A Quizilla account?
nope

751. A Bzoink account?
nope

752. Do you watch bugs crawl on the floor?
sometimes

753. Do you follow the bugs that crawl on the floor?
yep

754. Do you get attacked by ladybugs?
yep

755. Are you scared of everything that breathes?
WTF?

756. Doesn't breathe?
WTF?

757. Are you scared of anything at all?
Heights, water, always being me, many more than that.

758. What?
What if I had just said, "yes?" Or better, if I had said, "no?"

759. Which cardinal direction do you like best?
North by North-South

760. Are you aware that a cardinal direction is not a reference to a red bird?
Usually

761. Do you have a life?
Heck no

762. Do you have a microphone on your computer?
Not that I know of.

763. A webcam?
negative

764. A scanner?
negative

765. A printer?
negative

766. A cordless mouse?
yepper

767. Does your mouse light up?
yepper

768. Are you scared of mice?
terrified

769. What kind of computer do you have?
PC & Laptop

770. Were you ever physically abused?
Don't think so.

771. Verbally?
Don't think so.

772. Sexually?
A little bit.

773. Do you wish you were a fish?
WTF?

774. A cat?
That doesn't sound too bad... Lie around doing nothing while everyone despises your entire existence. Pretty much my life already, without all the lying around.

775. A dog?
Sounds cool

776. Do you have a cell phone?
yep

777. What kind is it?
cordless

778. Do you weasel out of things?
not usually

779. Do your teachers like you?
doubt it

780. Do your parents like you?
sometimes

781. Do your siblings like you?
sometimes

782. Does karma, if it exists, love you?
doubt it and doubt it

783. Did you have a tail when you were born?
not so much

784. Do you enjoy school?
yes

785. Do you sleep under or over the covers?
under

786. Do you sleep in a bed?
yepper

787. Do you catch yourself floating at times?
WTF?

788. Are you a packrat?
yepper

789. Do you know HTML or CSS?
a little HTML, no CSS

790. Do you find yourself chewing on anything your fingers have touched?
WTF? Obviously

791. Do you shy away from social situations?
Absolutely

792. Are you obsessed with shiny things?
not really

793. Are you at least attracted to them?
not really

794. Do you know what you're going to get for the holidays?
disappointment

795. Do you smash guitars or any other type of instrument?
...

796. Do you label other people?
yeah, sometimes

797. Are you proud?
I can't think of any good reason to be that way.

798. Do you like scrambled eggs?
Almost

How Bad Can I Make You Look?

799. Do you wash your hands frequently?
yepper

800. Do you wet the bed?
not usually

801. What age did you stop?
See 758

802. Is that age older than you are now?
hmm...

803. Do you lie a lot?
not usually

804. Do you forget to brush your teeth frequently?
not usually

805. Brush your hair?
hardly ever, hat

806. Do you use deoderant?
always

807. Do you masturbate?
always

808. How often?
always

809. Are you an alcoholic?
only when I drink

810. A druggie?
not usually

811. Do you drink illegally?
I don't drink at all right now

812. Do you wear underwear?
not when I'm in the shower

813. Do you change your underwear frequently?
at least once per day

814. Are you a coward?
sometimes

815. A loser?
absolutely

816. An idiot?
sometimes... more frequently than I'd like to be

817. Do you chatspeak?
not really

818. Are you a bad friend?
absolutely

819. Are you untrustworthy?
not usually

820. Unreliable?
sometimes

821. Do you pick your nose?
absolutely... that's how you get the boogies out. I don't eat it, though, if that makes you feel better about it

822. Are you imperfect?
usually

823. Do you think you are perfect?
not really

824. Ugly?
so-so

825. Do you have bad hair?
absolutely

826. A big nose?
broad

827. Are you shallow?
I don't think so

828. Greedy?
sometimes

829. Do you tell people you love them just to get what you want?
not yet

830. Do you have any talents?
I can convert O2 to CO2, water to pee, and food to poop.

831. Do you burp often?
not if I don't need to

832. Are you good at it?
as good as anyone else, I guess

833. Are you impolite?
I make every effort not to be, but I think that I often am.

834. Disrespectful?
negative

835. Sadistic?
negative

836. Are you a pansy?
sometimes

837. Are you a conformist?
a little

838. Do you buy your non-conformist clothing at Hot Topic like all of your non-conformist friends?
lol, n/a

839. Do you feel that every band you used to like before they became successful has sold out?
idiotic question... and people that feel that way are idiots

840. Are you a fan of George W. Bush?
Not a fan, but he's okay.

841. Do you have buck teeth?
Nah, but one of my canines doesn't seem quite right.

842. Acne?
Sometimes. It's worse since I started cooking at work

843. Mental illnesses?
not so much

844. Are you fake?
That depends on my mood. Similar to Scarface, "I always tell the truth, even when I'm lying." The real me is always there, if you look.

845. Do you wear makeup, a push-up bra, lifts in your shoes or dye your hair?
negative

846. If yes, do you want to reconsider your answer to 844?
hmm... I don't think that those two have as much in common as the author of this survey wants to think.

847. Does your breath smell?
I think it usually does.

848. Do you have a strong body odor?
If I don't have deodorant/anti-perspirant caked on.

849. Does the amount of perfume or cologne your wear constitute a strong body odor?
hmm... probably

850. Do you have bad teeth?
Not by Jackson, OH standards, but yes.

851. Are the good teeth you have technically 'your' teeth?
As opposed to whose? Even if I hade fake teeth, they'd still be mine.

852. Do you have a bull ring through your nose?
not usually

853. Are you overweight?
not usually

854. Are you lying?
not usually

855. Do you realize that there is a difference between an 'athletic' body build and slightly overweight?
obviously

856. Are you anorexic?
not usually, unless I'm in a very poor mood

857. Bulimic?
only after too much booze

858. Do you have a piercing in an inappropriate spot on your body?
not usually

859. Would your parents say that you have a piercing in an inappropriate spot on your body?
doubtful

860. Do you have a tatoo on your lower back right above your waistline?
sometimes

861. Is it a tribal design, butterfly or oriental symbol?
yes

862. If yes, do you want to reconsider your answer to 837?
absolutely

863. Do you have a tattoo in an inappropriate spot on your body?
sometimes

864. Is it in a spot that is going to sag in 15 years?
I hope not

865. Are you a wannabe?
probably

866. Do you get bad grades?
Worse than I probably am capable of.

867. What's your IQ level?
almost two standard deviations higher than average

868. Are you a bad guesser?
Depends on if it's about something important. I always screw up on the important stuff

869. Are you slow?
I use-ta-was.

870. Do you just not realize that you are slow?
hmm... maybe. Depends on what I'm doing and how much thinking is involved. If no thinking is involved, then I'm pretty fast.

871. Are you bad at reading people?
Absolutely not. I have a hard time figuring out what others think of me, though. I think that it could be because others it's univerally something negative.

872. Are you too nice for your own good?
sometimes

873. Do you have a lot of friends?
Absolutely not

874. Do your 'friends' agree with you?
what friends?

875. Do you give in easily?
not so much

876. Are you stubborn?
absolutely

877. Did you give the same answer for 875 and 876?
obviously not

878. If so, do you want to reconsider your answer to 869?
No, but I didn't realize that they were talking about intellect when they said slow. I guess I am slow. I kinda already said that on 870, though.

879. Are you annoying?
usually

880. Do you enjoy talking about gross, disturbing things?
absolutely not

881. Are you a necrophilliac?
Never. See 175

882. Are you incestual?
not so much

883. Is your room messy?
usually

884. Do you make fun of other people?
Depends on if they deserve it. Sometimes I do even if they don't, though.

885. Do you respect your body?
not so much

886. Are you arrogant?
Sometimes, and without good reason to be.

887. Do you have low self-esteem?
Maybe, but I think I'm pretty realistic.

888. Are you unique?
Just as much as everyone else, I guess. I don't seem to fit in, no matter the situation, though.

889. Are your hands clammy?
usually

890. Are you short?
sometimes

891. Are you freakishly tall?
never

892. Do you like Simple Plan?
Not so much. I had to google it to find out what it was. Sounds like some bad Smallville music

Beliefs

893. Do you believe in God?
not usually

894. Do you believe in magic?
never

895. True love?
sometimes

896. Heaven?
not so much

897. Hell?
maybe

898. Satan?
not so much

899. The Lord and Lady?
huh?

900. The Goddess?
doubtful

901. The Greek Gods or Goddesses?
not so much

902. The Pagan Gods or Goddesses?
negative

903. Are you an atheist?
not really

904. Agnostic?
pretty much

905. Do you believe in fairies?
Yeah, but they don't bother me unless they start getting graphic or wear assless chaps

906. Dragons?
negative

907. Unicorns?
only if they're invisible and pink

908. Gollums?
not so much

909. Santa?
doubtful

910. The Easter Bunny?
negative

911. The Tooth Fairy?
not so much

912. Pixies?
not so much

913. Phoenixes?
negative

914. Elves?
Yes, and they make some pretty tasty cookies

915. Dwarves?
not so much

916. Mermaids?
sounds nice, but no

917. Karma?
Doubtful. I think you can be an asshole and survive without any consequences way down the road. Consequences are almost always immediate.

918. Immortality?
not so much

919. Do you believe in the Aztec Gods?
no

920. Mayan Gods?
no

921. Incan Gods?
no

922. Do you believe that each different belief creates a new reality?
hmm...

923. Do you believe in life on other planets?
yepper

924. Do you believe in parallel universes?
not so much

925. Do you believe that black holes are time portals?
doubtful

926. Do you believe in Eternity?
for humans, no.

927. Do you believe in evolution?
usually

928. Do you believe in life after death?
Yeah, it was a good CD

929. What happens to us after we die?
Little cooties in the dirt eat us

930. Do you believe in superheroes?
not so much

931. Super villains?
I'd like to think so

932. Do you believe in Fate?
maybe

933. That everything has a purpose?
probably not

934. Do you believe that everything revolves around money?
pretty much

935. Sex?
a lot does, but not everything

936. Love?
not really

937. Success?
maybe

938. Making yourself happy?
absolutely

939. Making others happy?
not so much

940. Religion?
sometimes

941. Politics?
not so much

942. Do you believe in miracles?
negative

943. Angels?
negative

944. Demons?
hmm... sounds interesting

945. Ghosts?
negative

946. Do you believe there's a someone for everyone?
lol, doubtful

947. Do you believe in true, selfless happiness?
negative

948. Do you believe in selfessness at all?
negative

949. Do you believe that wishing for something can make it happen?
negative

950. Do you believe that the means justify the ends?
depends

951. Do you believe that anything can happen?
As long as it doesn't ignore the laws of physics, then usually


This Or That

952. Pie or cake?
cake

953. Pie or 3.14159...?
Pi

954. Chocolate or vanilla?
chocolate

955. Black or white?
black

956. Ceiling or floor?
floor

957. Couch or bed?
bed

958. Cough or sneeze?
sneeze

959. On or off?
On. When it's off, you just want to know what it would do if it were on, and that's annoying.

960. Closed or open?
closed

961. Brush or comb?
comb

962. Long or short?
long

963. Big or small?
small

964. Wet or dry?
hmm... depends

965. Under or over?
usually over

966. Top or bottom?
top

967. Fly or fall?
fall

968. Smile or frown?
frown

969. Tears of joy or tears of sorrow?
Sorrow... joyful only exist because they follow sorrow

970. Hot or cold?
cold

971. Warm or cool?
cool

972. Rough or smooth?
smooth

973. Cat or dog?
dog

974. Snake or bird?
snake

975. Shark or T-Rex?
t-rex

976. Past or present?
past

977. Science fiction or fantasy?
fantasy, probably

978. Dull or sharp?
sharp

979. Live forever or die young?
hmm... I guess die young, but that sounds really bad too

980. Books or television?
books

981. Jump or skip?
skip

982. Fast or slow?
slow

983. Run or walk?
run

984. Guy or girl?
usually chick

985. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney

986. Belle or Jasmine?
Belle, smart chicks are hot

987. Gaston or Cruella Deville?
Cruella probably

988. Food or friends?
food

989. Colors or black and white?
black and white, but sometimes colors

990. Cute or pretty?
Cute. Beauty is the best, though.

991. Good or evil?
good

992. Fruits or vegetables?
vegetables

993. Milk or juice?
juice

994. Hot chocolate or gingerale?
hot chocolate

995. Beer or wine?
beer

996. Movies or cartoons?
movies

997. Pillow or blanket?
blanket

998. Moon or stars?
Stars. The moon only messes with the view of the stars. The stars aren't so stingy.

999. Sky or sea?
probably the sea

1000. Explode or implode?
implode

Ya'll, You'uns, and Alright

I was writing an email to someone and realized that there was a rule never discussed in my English classes.

What is the proper punctuation when something belongs to you all? I am a firm proponent of the word ya'll. It is much more specific than the word you. Although 'you' refers to a single person and can be a collective you, the word ya'll always means a collective you. So what happens to something that belongs to ya'll?

Two apostrophes seem weird and awkward. As an example: Ya'll's dog keeps chasing my cat.

This just seems wrong.

When something belongs to it, you don't add an apostrophe; although this is for a different reason. In order to differentiate between 'it is' and the item that belongs to it, we don't use an apostrophe. Example: My car won't start. It threw one of its belts. It's going to have to sit there for a while until I have the money to fix it.

Also, we know from English class that apostrophes are good because they let you know the difference between two or more of something and something that belongs to an individual. Example: Allen's Festival celebrates Allen's contributions to U.S. society. Example 2: The Allens Festival celebrates the contributions to U.S. society made by the Allens. Example 3: The Allens' Festival was well-attended.

The first example is owned by me and is a celebration of me (this blog's author). What else would I celebrate? The second example would also include the contributions made my brother, father, Woody Allen (yech), and sister before she got married. My sister's contributions after marriage would be in the Hartoon Festival. My mother's contributions are even more complicated, as she regains her Allen surname in a few months. Additionally, the owner of the second example's festival is unknown. In the third example, we Allens own the festival.

Blogger's note: The last two paragraphs add absolutely nothing to this post and probably actually muddle the point that I am attempting to make. Upon proofreading these paragraphs, I have found gaps in the logic I use. An example talking about the dog food (food made for dogs), dogs food (food made of dog), the dog's food (food that belongs to that dog), and the dogs' food (food that belongs to those dogs) would work far better. I have decided to keep them anyway, as more blogs should include references to a festival celebrating me.

Although we know that apostrophes are good, we also know that they aren't always needed, as in the 'it' example. Ya'll is already plural, so the inclusion of an additional apostrophe does not seem necessary. Ya'lls and ya'll's are therefore functionally identical. Since English grammatical rules have seemed to fail me, the only thing remaining is aesthetics. I'm not sure which one is more pleasing to the eye, probably 'ya'll's'. (Wow that looks horrible written like that with four apostrophes. Oh well.)

On a similar note, you'uns just seems stupid. I did a quick search on the word and have found from some unreliable sources (It isn't that they're wrong, but if this blog posting were part of an essay in academia, the source would be rejected as not a definitive source on the matter.) that the term is quite old and has existed since at least the civil war.

Ya'll is an unapproved contraction for 'you all'. Digression: According to the almighty Wikipedia, the correct spelling of the word is Y'all... Since when? I wasn't aware that we have definitive spellings of made up words. It would seem that following the pattern, don't and won't would be do'nt and wo'nt. You'll puts the apostrophe prior to the 'll. Of course, the 'll in you'll properly separates the two words. So sometimes the apostrophe goes between the two words that have been joined and sometimes it doesn't. I don't see why you can't put the apostrophe wherever you want it in ya'll. But what is you'uns a contraction for? Anyone?

Anyone?

Hence, it is stupid.

Finally we delve into alright. This started while I was tutoring. Someone was taking a quiz and wanted to know the difference between alright and all right. I wasn't entirely sure, but as far as I knew, alright is a synonym for acceptable and okay. All right means that everything is correct. eg. How did I do on the quiz, Mrs. Jackson? You got them all right.

Curious, I decided to Google the problem. It turns out that alright is never all right. The reasoning is completely retarded to me and an act of pedantry. Digging deep into old writings, such as Shakespeare, alright does not appear. For this reason, and this reason alone, alright is never all right.

Altogether, although, and already have existed for some time, so they are correct. Shakespeare never said that something is alright, hence it isn't. English is an ever-evolving language. Resisting and denying change is futile. It's time for alright to be all right.

Belts and Suspenders

Recently, I decided to check out the rules on wearing belts and suspenders. Along the way I learned that suspenders are known as braces in the UK.

The consensus seems to be that belts are more fashionable than suspenders. Belts seem to be the standard; however, a slight increase in pant security can be had by wearing suspenders. This increase in pant security comes a cost of a proportional decrease in other's perceived notion of your fashion sense. So there are benefits and costs to both, but both seem to be about equals. The choice is solely up to personal preference.

Then there is the belt and suspender look. This option offers a considerable amount of added pant security. When a belt-suspender combination is added to a pair of properly fitting pants, the likelihood of pant failure drops drastically. I believe that one could weather a tornado and still have his pants properly resting on his waist after being thrown a few miles through the air. The consensus seems to be that although this option offers a staggering increase in pant security, the drop in your "you-don't-look-retarded" factor is far greater.

Although I would assume that the average person would answer, "yes" to the the question, "Would you like it if there was virtually no chance that your pants would fall down at an awkward time?", the fact that there is little chance of a pair of pants falling from their desired resting place while wearing only a belt or suspenders rules out any consideration for most people to wear a belt and suspenders simultaneously.

I also learned that there is a saying: He's a belt-and-suspenders kind of guy. As you can imagine, it refers to a person that checks and double-checks everything he does, often to the point that this checking outruns its utility. I like to think that the saying could also be a sort of double entendre for a person that either has no fashion-sense or lacks the common sense to draw the conclusion that although unaware that this is a fashion faux pas, the combination is unnecessary and will at best be perceived as an act of paranoia.

I then started wondering what type of person fits this description as an overly cautious (belt-and suspender type of) person.

1. I own around 15-20 alarm clocks and set all of them, plus the alarm in my cell phone. If the power goes out, I have a back-up. If the battery dies in one clock, I have a back-up. If I set the time incorrectly on one, I have a back-up. If a cell tower goes down...
2. When I write something, I proofread it. Then I proofread it again. Then I have someone else proofread it. Then I proofread it again. Even emails stating that I am going to miss work are carefully proofread.
3. When I build something, I use about 3x's (no exaggeration) the necessary hardware. Example: When I built my subwoofer box, I used about one screw every two inches. I also used almost two full bottles of wood glue. My grandfather who is known for overdoing the hardware when he builds/fixes something was watching me install cabinets at my mother's house and said, "Wow son, I've never seen anything quite like that. That thing's never coming down. You're using about twice the hardware I'd use."
4. When I was in the Air Force, I had to wear a reflective belt on the flight-line during times of inclement weather. I wore the required reflective belt, but I also wore reflective suspenders and put reflective tape on my ear defenders.

I believe that I qualify as a belt-and-suspenders type of guy (I don't believe that the example of reflective items solely qualifies me as the point was not to keep my pants up, but rather to stay visible at night. Perhaps it does.), which raised an important question. Why don't I wear both a belt and suspenders?

Although I hardly ever wear a suit, I don't see why I can't wear both a belt and suspenders. Initially my thought process met a stalemate as I realized that I do not tuck my shirt into my blue jeans. Without tucking my shirt in, suspenders do not seem to be an option. Digression: Anyone that tucks their shirt into their blue jeans needs to be beaten severely. It looks retarded. If you are wearing blue jeans and want to look a little more dressed up, go put on a pair of slacks. The tucked-in look is doing nothing but making you look retarded. Blue jeans were invented to wear while mining for gold in California. They are strong (What other articles of clothing do you own with metal rivets at the points of strain?), they are incredibly comfortable, and they are durable. They are not formal. http://www.ideafinder.com/history/inventions/bluejeans.htm I then had an epiphany! I simply need to wear the suspenders underneath my t-shirt.

As an added benefit, I could choose reflective suspenders. If I were to get stranded at night on the highway, I could wear the suspenders outside my shirt as I searched for a gas station. This seems to be far safer... Perhaps all people should keep them in their car as part of their emergency kit.

Just imagine the possibilities... I bet I could run a marathon with both pockets filled with nickels with no fear that my pants would fall.